The University of Waterloo Will Introduce Bat Cave Next Exam PeriodThe Waterloo Honk Staff
If you haven’t heard of therapeutic puppy rooms, you must not be a university student. During the past exam period, The Puppy Room phenomenon has swept the nation. University students are allotted time to play in small rooms are filled with baby dogs. Results show a 24% decrease in hypertension related to exam period. As a chemistry student from Dalhousie famously said, “There’s something about petting a puppy that makes you forget you’re about to write an exam.” The University of Waterloo certainly hopes to make students forget about exams with their innovative approach to animal therapy. In April 2013, The University of Waterloo will reveal the world’s first Bat Cave Therapy Room. Students will be ushered into one of 11 manmade caves around campus in groups of 15. Each cave will house between 50 -150 bats, which will be stimulated by flashing lights and loud noises upon the entrance of the students. Students will spend 20 minutes with the free range bats – which will induce moderate and pleasant amounts of panic in the youths. It is recommended that students do not practice Bat Cave Therapy more than once per day, as demand for the caves is expected to be very high. |
The effects of Bat Cave Therapy have been hypothesized extensively by Waterloo Counselling Services. According to their projected stats: The sight of a bat may cause up to 11 times more adrenaline to be released in the brain than the sight of a puppy. The moderate terror associated with the chaos of the bats will likely be enough to put the terror associated with exams into perspective. Waterloo Counselling Services are sensitive to the needs of those students who experience social anxiety. A Solitary Bat Cave option will be available for those who are uncomfortable with group experiences and would rather face the bats alone. “We’ve always been innovators. Why should the innovation stop? We’re innovating the puppy!” The Waterloo President was overheard overusing the word “innovation” earlier this week. The Bat Cave Project will cost upwards of $155,000 to construct and maintain for the month. This has inspired concern from the few students who were consulted on the issue. |
Waterloo Counselling Services spoke to this concern. “I’m sure if the student body was aware that this project has opened up 2 new co-op placements, they wouldn’t be so upset. The money really is going straight back to them! It’s a win-win situation, any way you look at it.” Project Manager, Britanica Smith, also spoke towards the criticism: “Perhaps the students aren’t aware that this will be the first Bat Cave Therapy Room in the world? Innovation doesn’t come cheap.” Construction will begin February 2013. Bat Cave Therapy will be available to anyone with a valid WatCard, beginning in April 2013. We want to know: What do you think of Bat Cave Therapy? __ The Waterloo Honk is K-W's first official fake newspaper, according to the Real Ontario Association for Satire. Regular satirical updates can be found at www.thewaterloohonk.wordpress.com, or on Twitter @thewaterloohonk. Interested in submitting something yourself? Check our site for guidelines. Keep on honking, Grebel. |