Dear Abby:
I accidentally told all of Grebel that my room mate likes this boy, but she really doesn't. How do I stop the rumours?
-Challenged Roommate
Dear Challenged Roommate:
To quote Caesar Flickerman from the Hunger Games, "Well, that's bad luck". Although my life experiences have taken me to the sun and back in terms of fiery backlash, this one may just take the cake.
What you need to do is rectify the myths using the same method as which the myths were first told. Did you first tell people through the use of a megaphone on the Grebel Patio late at night? You need to tell them the truth using a megaphone on the patio late at night.
Did you make a commie-supper announcement? Did you write a Grebel-Speaks article? Did you let it slip at the not-so-well-known-Mennonite-pacifist-annual-cage-match last month? You must untell the rumours using the same means of which you told them, the very next time you can.
In the meantime, your roommate will be living like a Hollywood celebrity. So really, there's no harm done!
Dear Abby:
Why are duck faces so hot?
-Les Conards
Dear Les Conards:
Are they, though?
I see ducks from time to time, and they are, quite literally, the most disgusting creatures on this planet. Flapping their wings around, sitting on the water without sinking, with that weird annoying "quack-voice"? When you're walking along a pathway and a duck comes near the path, they take one prideful look at you as you near them, and waddle away with an attitude which screams, "I'm too good for this!" Despicable.
Even more despicable is the close relation ducks share with geese. I've even seen a goose attack a human before. Granted, he ran full-tilt into a flock of about 30 resting on the Grebel Green. And there were goslings present. But still. you can never be too sure when it comes to animals attacking humans.
Because of these reasons, when I see a duck, I avert my gaze almost immediately.
The same is true for duck-faces.
Perhaps a further analysis of your attraction to ducks is in order.