Ask Abby & Arnold
“Why am I single? And what are the odds that I find my Husband here at Grebel? –Ready to Mingle”
Honey, I feel you. Even though you’re anonymous, you’re at Grebel, so I am able to say with confidence that you’re a fantastic person. I’m sure that you are as funny as Jennifer Lawrence, as fierce as Beyoncé, and look fiiiiiiiiiine in your facesbook photo. So with all of these great qualities and traits, it’s a fair question to ask: “WHY AM I SINGLE?!?!?!” Well, there may be a few reasons. Maybe there’s a Grebel guy (or two, or seven) that is wondering why you’re single and is waiting for the right time to make his move. Or, maybe your awesomeness is intimidating to Grebel guys. After all, you’re pretty fantastic. I wouldn’t put it past Grebel guys to be a bit shy when it comes to matters of the heart. But no matter what the reason behind your singleness is, you should know that you’re pretty awesome, single or not. That doesn’t change! So keep doing you, and the right person will come along. As for the odds of you finding your husband here at Grebel, aren’t you a little young to be thinking about marriage? My advice is the same as my advice above. Keep doing you, and if it happens, great. If not, you’re still awesome. NOW CALM YOUR HORMONES AND FOCUS ON YOUR STUDIES. -Abby "OCR's scare me away from the games lounge, how do I face this fear and become one of their group members? -Scaredy cat" Oh Scaredy Cat, I can see where you’re coming from. The OCR’s this year are such a close-knit group, and they’re all super cool, so I understand why they could seem a bit intimidating to get to know. However, I think it’s important to remember that next term, all of the OCR’s will be moving into residence, and that imaginary boundary you’re creating in your mind will disappear completely. With that in mind, I think you should face your fear head on and just hang out with them! Sure, you may lose at KERP every time you play against an OCR, but by being afraid to hang out with them, you’re missing out on what could be friends for life. So rip off that Band-Aid, Scaredy Cat! Live your dream! -Abby "I have been binge-listening to Taylor Swift's new album and it is hindering me from doing any actual schoolwork. What do I do!?!?!" -We Are Never Ever Passing This Class Dear We Are Never Ever Passing This Class, Girl. I feel you. This week has been a struggle for all the T-Swizzle fans out there who haven't been able to quit replaying this album. Just remember, moderation is key. Who are we kidding, 1989 IS EVERYTHING so just embrace the sitch and memorize you chem notes to these songs that have become the soundtrack to your life. -Abby |
Dear Arnold,
I am in love with the Grebel cookies. How can I fulfill my cookie cravings without gaining the Grebel 45? Cheated by Chocolate Chips Dear Cheated by Chocolate Chips, Life can be distilled into a few select and integral elements. Though some people disagree as to what these elements exactly are, a prevailing notion is that the pursuit of happiness is one of them. Happiness is brought about by many things: love, excitement, prayer, prayer rooms, and yes… cookies. You are not weakly succumbing to a desire but nobly achieving Maslow’s self-actualization. As for the 45 pounds, there are many hippos that would still consider you very athletic and thin. With well-veiled love, Arnold "Movember is just around the corner, and I unfortunately CAN'T grow facial hair! What do I do? How can I participate-and show my manly side-without growing the mo?" -Missing the Mo' Dear Missing the Mo’, Movember is one of those months where the men are separated from the boys, so I can understand your concern. Unfortunately, Rogaine for Men doesn’t work on your chin (trust me, it only leaves a weird rash). Participation in Movember seems out of the question, unless you really want to flaunt your lack of testosterone for the whole world to see. Instead, I suggest you attempt to prove your manliness by attempting as many of the following ridiculously manly feats: • Wear a tutu and walk briskly down the Grebel halls • Only wear pink on Wednesdays • #gains • Go buy yourself a #PSL because you deserve it • Take a selfie to remind yourself of how attractive you are • Take a bubble bath with a rubber ducky named Albert • Have a dance party in your room with your roomie, because love -Arnold "I kind of have a crush on one of the male dons this term...the problem is, I don't know how to get his attention! I've signed up for late supper on his on night, I leave my door open in hopes that he'll hall wander to my room...but he plays so hard to get. How can I get the attention of my favourite don without compromising my dignity? " -K-I will just come right out and say it, I am in love with a don. Dear K-I will just come right out and say it, I am in love with a don, Not to turn this around on you, but it sounds like YOU’RE playing hard to get. You’re seriously telling me that your grand attempt at love is keeping your door open in hopes that he walks through? You know what would be better? Literally anything. Instead of passively attempting your half-arsed attempt at romance, you need to take matters into your own hands. Here is a list of ways you can declare your love to someone that tops all of your dumb ideas so far: • Stand on top of a Grebel table and serenade him with, “Black Widow” by Iggy Azalea • Throw mud at him on his way to class: it worked for the girls that I had a crush on when I was in elementary school • Brew Amortentia. If you’re unsure of what this is… well, you don’t deserve his love • Make a macaroni picture of what you believe your first child will look like – he’ll find this adorable! Good luck! You'll need it. -Arnold |