A Business Person's Essential Guide to Hand(shake)s
By Brendan Coady
I have been living in Germany for 3 months now, and there is this really awesome tradition we have at work to shake hands with everyone in the office every morning. It is sort of a physical way of saying 'Hey, we are a team, and you are part of that team, and I value you, and you are awesome.' However, since I have had the opportunity to give thousands upon thousands of handshakes, I thought I would write a guide for you less fortunate individuals.
These are the primary types of hand(shake)s. Note: this list is not complete, or at all terribly extensive, but it gives a good idea of the big stuff. An individual may also be more than one of these types – known among handshake enthusiasts as a ‘combo’ or ‘stacker’ – so watch out!
The parts of a handshake and glossary:
The run-up – everything before you make contact. Also referred to as the attack, or the pre-game.
The grip – how you make contact and everything that involves your hands touching. Also referred to as the strike or the stage.
Initial contact – the point at which the hands first meet.
The drop – how you leave the handshake. Also referred to as the retreat, the finale, or the bow.
Gyration – any form of movement while the hands are in contact – either a towards or away motion, a turning motion, or a motion on the plane perpendicular to the two partners. Usually takes place during the grip after initial contact.
Partner – the person you are shaking hands with.
The Handshake – may refer to the grip, the entire action of shaking hands from the run-up to the drop, or any combination in between. This term will not be used in this article to define anything except the action of shaking hands – more specifically the grip and gyration – unless otherwise defined.
Neutral Point – the location where a handshake regularly happens. Distance and left-right deviation are corrected accordingly. This is often the last place the handshake maintains contact between partners before the drop.
Proper form:
I have made the following assumptions with all handshakes mentioned from here-on in:
The proper distance to stand is slightly less than ¾ of a meter apart. For you silly Imperial-using Americans (seriously though, change it already) that is about 2 and a half feet. Not so close that you feel your bubble is being pressed up against, but not so far that you have to extend your arm more than a 45 degree angle measured from your forearm to your chest. Additionally, you should be standing square to your partner, and the handshake should occur at just higher than waist height.
Additionally, eye-contact, shoulder position, verbal introductions and other persona-related aspects of the handshake will not be covered in this article (email me if you want to know more about these, or want some really good, or in some cases bad, advice on what or what not to do). I assume you know this stuff already, or at least know it well enough to survive.
The handshakes are divided in 3 sections: Beginner, Medium and Advanced.
The Classics are beginner, and need to be mastered from both side of the coin before moving onwards. If you can’t identify, understand when to use, or more importantly know how to counteract each of these, then you are not ready to move on. These are the bread and butter of the business world, and will serve you well wherever you go. This is the only section I would recommend for someone who doesn’t want to spend all afternoon practicing or has a final paper to write (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE).
The Mediums are the funny stuff. They are a little off-colour and are more for your knowledge of prevention and action than for actually trying on someone. Not recommended if you have a PAPER. TO. WRITE.
The Advanced are for the pros. Do not attempt without serious practice. A work term in Germany is also recommended (you’ll get quite a handshake workout).
Also, Auxiliary Notes have been included. Be sure to read those regardless of where you stop reading everywhere else. We know you are busy, so skip right to them if you want the Coles Notes version.
Classics:
The Meat-Eater (a.k.a. the handyman):
This is the guy (or gal) at the office with big, meaty hands. This doesn't mean they necessarily have big hands; they just have very strong, muscular hands. Often the people with small hands will have handshakes that accompany this type. The Meat-Eater gives a firm, stiff handshake that does not fully grasp your own hand. They tend to have such strong, muscular hands that closing all the way around yours is not possible. Often, it is more of a dry firmness that encourages you to do the grabbing. I would recommend an equally firm handshake with no shaking motion or gyration of any kind. The Meat-Eater is a straight business kind of character, and should not be messed with, as anyone with hands like that probably has done a few bench presses if you know what I mean.
The Power-Grip (a.k.a. the gym rat)
This is the guy who is one step higher than the Meat-Eater. They definitely work out, and try to assert their dominance by aggressively grabbing and squeezing your hand. They often wear power suits, have a $50 hair cut, and are generally a giant douche. To be avoided, if possible. I would recommend a firm, but stiff handshake. They likely will go for the power pump, where they start back and attack your hand like a praying mantis, or a leaping leopard. Imagine an anaconda wants to take your hand off - what would you do? Don't move out of the way, stupid. That's just rude. Just be firm and hold your ground. Don't try to power back, as they inevitably will win, asserting their dominance over you, but having the confidence to simply accept they are stronger resists giving them the power they desire. Losing a handshake grip contest is not a sign of weakness - it is a sign that you are so powerful you need not worry yourself with such trivial things.
The Slow and Steady
Exactly the opposite of the Power-Grip. Gentle with little run-up. Appreciated significantly more than the Power-Grip, but equally as not great. I would only use this with someone you have known for a while, and when sitting down. If facing this, maintain firmness and confidence, but be sure not to overpower them. Don’t deviate from your norm too much, but don’t strangle them.
The Wrap (a.k.a. Dangly Dan)
The Wrap is someone with excessive long fingers, who often wraps all the way around your hand. Sometimes they are strong, sometimes they are not - but they are always encompassing. I would recommend shaking hands normally and disregarding the awkward feeling that your hand just got swallowed. If you can take the Power-Grip, you can handle this guy. It is advised to not point out their lengthy fingers either, as they are probably aware, and that would be mean and unusual. Simply going with the flow is a good gesture here. Maybe a smile, if so inclined.
The Ron Swanson (a.k.a. The Business Casual)
This is the ideal business shake. Little motion, firm stance, no pre-grip attacking - just, there. This grip is often a proposed handshake stance, where you simply extend 80 or 90% of the way, and let them come to you. This is suggested for all business deals, new acquaintances, and awkward family gatherings. In the eternal wisdom of one Ron Swanson, 'Firm, dry, 3 seconds.' Good on ya Ron, good on ya.
The Dead Fish (a.k.a. California Girlz)
I hate this handshake with everything within me. This is the lame 'I have no confidence so I extend my hand like a wet paper towl' shake. DO NOT DO THIS. At no point, ever, is this acceptable. This has 'please walk all over me' written all over it, and is mastered by angsty teenagers and pretentious rich girls the world over. I would recommend if you get one of these to frown, make a snide comment about eating dead fish later, and then turn and walk away. These people have nothing to offer you.
The Fragile (a.k.a. your grandmother)
This is when the individual shakes your hand like you are made of glass and they don't want you to break. This is often a sign of extreme timidity, or significant caution. If you are about to fire someone, or if they think you are going to harm them, you might get one of these. I would strongly recommend a good smile and a compliment. Be sure to grasp their hand firmly and warmly, and maybe give a half-shake. Not recommended that you get overly close, but a considerate distance is a good idea.
The Sous-Chef (a.k.a. the George Clooney)
This is aptly named the Sous-Chef, because the handshaker gets all up in your grill (haha, get it!?). This is when they get excessively close and look you right in the face like you are going to run away or something. In Brazilian culture, getting close and personal with business partners and friends alike is quite normal, so be prepared if you ever go. DO NOT attempt on Japanese colleagues, as they will flip a table. The Japanese traditionally prefer more space when first meeting, or during conversation, than most cultures. If you are faced with the Sous-Chef, just relax and accept their distance. Do not look at your feet, as their eye-contact and invasion of personal space is often an attempt at a power grab. By asserting themselves so close, you are forced to look down to not make things awkward, and therefore give them the power of body language. It is recommended as well that you meet their handshake warmly and considerately, and smile slightly, while maintaining unshaken eye contact. This will often dissuade their brash power-grabbing technique, and identify them for the poor cowardice puppy they really are. Oddly enough, George Clooney is said to use this tactic when at fancy parties or meeting fans. He goes in for the handshake, gets up all close and personal, all the while sidestepping them, causing them to turn around where they are standing, and just as quickly walk away. This works because for a brief moment when you think you might actually talk to George Clooney, he gets really close and personal, looks you directly in the face, totally stunning; what you expect to happen. And then just as quickly is gone, leaving you dumbfounded as to how you missed such a golden opportunity. Truly a master-class for the rest of us. Remember this if you ever get super famous.
The Try-Hard (a.k.a. Eager Eddy)
The Try-Hard is the classic over-anxious, squeeze-too-tight, swing-it-like-it-is-a-chicken-and-you-are-trying-to-kill-the-damn-thing (see The 4-Hour Chef by Tim Ferriss for a complete tutorial). This is very clearly a sign of faked confidence and youthfulness that clearly has no place in the working world. Someone with that much energy just won’t fit into our caffeine-powered, perpetually-exhausted workplace experience, you know? If this is you, tone it down broski. Take a deep breath, regroup, and remember that moderation is key. Stop shaking my hand like you are trying to rip my shoulder off. If you encounter this, a firming up of the arm around your shoulder and tricep should reduce the gyrations and signal them to stop yanking it like it is going to break. Additionally, meeting with slightly more grip can encourage tepidness in their reaction. I usually do not suggest attempting to overpower someone, because it can be a futile, ego-centric reaction, but in this situation, a little power-play is a good way to show the youngin’ who’s boss.
The Chuck Norris (a.k.a. the Oot ‘n Aboot, the Roundhouse)
This is the classic outswing-to-thundergrip maneuver that simulates the roundhouse kick popularized by Chuck Norris. Similar to the Power-Grip, this action usually attacks your hand and is a sign of either a good friendship, or somebody trying too hard. The differentiating factor between the two is the motion pre-grip – Power-Grip is more direct, where as the Chuck Norris is a round outswinging maneuver. Note this is often popular when carrying bags, as the outswing prevents bags from falling off your shoulder when extending your arm (watch The Social Network, and the scene where Andrew Garfield playing Eduardo Saverin gets ambushed with the contract saying he is basically kicked out of the company – when he shakes the lawyer’s hand he does this one with a bag on his shoulder. Acceptable handshake Mr. Garfield, acceptable handshake.) This is a totally acceptable handshake amongst friends, good business colleagues, or when you want it to be clear that you are going in for a handshake. Sometimes people don’t know that you know what to do and they should know what you know and know to know how to respond to your knowing of the know, you know? I would recommend not strangling the blood out of their veins when you do this one, if it is your style, and making initial contact with a good firm handshake with minimal gyration or bounce is an acceptable gesture.
The Nervous Shake (a.k.a. the Old Man Grip)
This is often the unfortunate cause of aging and cannot be prevented, but should be addressed nonetheless. The Nervous Shake is the textbook gyrator, and it is about as sleek and sexy as it sounds – the hand shakes, often uncontrollably, and there is little you can do once it has you in its midst. The gyrator is usually quite strong and experienced in their grip, and can often give a great handshake, except that they vibrate like a new-age toothbrush. I advise meeting this with a smile, a slice of lemon, and if you have one, a tequila shot about 5 minutes ago. There is nothing you can do. Last it out and if it makes a difference, get to know the person. Respecting your elders is the best way to shortcut the business world, and is a lost art amongst our generation. Respecting experience and authority will earn you big bucks, and resisting the urge to gyrate right back in a handshake will indicate you view them are someone you should appreciate and respect. That being said, if this person is under the age of 40 and doesn’t have an obvious drug addiction, health issue, or significant level of experience such that you should respect them otherwise, ignore all previous advice and give that sucker a nice firm grip and maybe the one pump fake for being a plug.
The Bounce (a.k.a. Pogo Paul)
This is also referred to as the ‘one pump fake’, this is when someone gives you a good hard jerk just once during their handshake. It is common when shaking multiple hands in a room, and can be thought of as a good strong comma, or a brisk period, at the end of a handshake. This is usually quick, firm, and deliberate. I would recommend, if this is you, to cut that crap out, unless you have about 15 people to shake hands with all at once. It is a great gesture if you want to make a quick handshake and there are people waiting, such as entering a business interview with 3 or more people, and you want to address all of them quickly. It means ‘Hi there, I am here with a purpose, and I am recognizing you appropriately’, unless it is just one person, then it is more of a ‘I don’t like shaking hands, let’s get this over with’. I would recommend only using it in group interview scenarios, as it is unnecessary and impersonal otherwise. If you encounter the one pump, Pogo Paul (multiple one pumps), or the Bounce (super exaggerated) just ride the wave and stay strong. Your grip will should overpower their shake – not with force, but with class – and your body language should indicate you are not to be jerked around.
The Moist (a.k.a. the Handwasher)
Exactly what it sounds like. Gross. Don’t be this guy. Use a towel. If you encounter this, wipe your hands vigorously once they leave, or before any further handshakes.
The Pulse
This DOES NOT refer to the up-down motion mentioned in the Bounce, but rather the grip itself. The Pulse is when they don’t shake your hand, they just grab it for a split second. IDO. NOT. LIKE. THIS. ONE. They don’t give you time to respond or react, and there really is no situation for such an action. If you have a large room full of people, and you don’t want them to wait, use the Bounce (only acceptable situation), but be sure to give a firm grip to each of them. If you encounter the Pulse, you will know it. You won’t even know what happened, but it will be over. There is nothing you can do, but avoid this person if possible.
The Lemon Peeler (a.k.a. the No-Squeeze)
The Lemon Peeler, also known as the No-Squeeze, is called such because when cooking they prefer to use a peeler for the citrus flavour than to just squeeze the damn lemon. The same goes for handshakes. The Lemon Peeler is an extended arm, a firm hand, and no grip. They rely entirely on you to do the joining, and do not return the force you apply to them. I would not recommend this one, because even as a sign of respect, saying ‘You get to choose how this handshake goes’, it is confusing for the shaker, because they get no sense of how hard to squeeze. Definitely not recommended when facing off with a Power-Grip, Chuck Norris or Dead Fish type, as that will surely end… not good. I would recommend staying strong and firm when encountering these people. They often don’t mean it as a negative gesture – they just don’t have the education you now possess. Be sure to send them this article, and maybe an emoticon smiley, just for suggestions sake =)
Awkward/Hilarious:
The Broseph (a.k.a. the twist and hug)
This is not so much a handshake as a symbol of brotherhood and wanna-be-ism, and consists of a quick hand grab, a rotation around the other person's thumb with your own hand grabbing above their wrist, and then a lean in to a back pat. This is only acceptable if you are life-long friends with the cooperating individual, if you are a rap star, or if you want to look like a really big plug (advisable if you want to blow off an interview - just kidding). I think this is really dumb, to be honest, and would recommend turning and running as fast as you can from anyone who tries to do this to you. Not cool brah, not cool.
The Dropzone (a.k.a. One Hop This Time)
Like the Bounce, but WAY over the top. Avoid being this guy at all costs. If you encounter this guy, demand you get your hand (and nicely torn shoulder) back, and maybe a signature for future medical costs.
The Crane (a.k.a. Princess Fancypants)
I do not like this one either. Unless you are Camilla, Lizzie Q (she’s on the quarter, just a hint), or Spanish Royalty, or at an opera/black tie/super formal engagement in a full-length black dress and wearing elbow-length silk gloves – DON’T DO IT. Guys, this is never acceptable. Edit: Because I support gender-equality, I guess if you want to wear a diamond necklace and elbow-length gloves, and pull this one, you can do that too. The ghost of Freddie Mercury would be proud. However, the Crane is when you grasp (or are grasped) in a hand motion that looks like a crane – knuckles pointed upwards, thumb underneath, 60 to 90 degree angle from fingers to wrist – and is common amongst pompous schmucks and California trust fund babies alike. If you encounter this one, which no doubt you will, proceed to make a scrunched ‘What the heck is that?’ face, pull your hand back like you just touched something slimy (you did) and wipe it on your pants accordingly. This should invoke the appropriate response in your partner. If you are this person, and have a net worth under $100,000,000.00 or enough to buy yourself some new friends, stop it already. No one likes it when you do that – you’re not fooling anyone.
The Awkward Dad (a.k.a. the Father Time)
This is one of my favourites, but not in a good way. This is when the individual shakes your hand overly firmly, with a slight circular motion, for about 6-10 seconds – far too long for it to be comfortable. This will either end with you accepting it, and confidently joining along in the shaking motion, or pulling away awkwardly which is exactly what they want. This is common by fathers on first dates, bosses who like to be more powerful than their pay grade allows them to, and generally weird people. I would recommend strongly that if you encounter this one, just play along. Be confident in your handshake, stay firm, and show that you aren’t afraid to stick it out. Holding hands is totally acceptable in dozens of cultures around the world, and in many countries, there is no culturally specific length as to how long a handshake should not go. It is common for men in the UAE to hold hands and have a nice chat until they both decide to let go – often minutes at a time. So take a note from their book, and just hang out. You know you have a good handshake, and so does the person you are shaking hands with, and be sure not to look down at their hand when doing so, as that will indicate you are feeling awkward. Stay strong, friends, and stick it out. If you are this guy, and don’t live in a culture where this is widely acceptable (like ours) stop already. It is creepy and strange. Your feeble power-struggle attempts are not working, and no one likes it.
The Slytherin
This is another favourite of mine, for all the wrong reasons.
To perform the Slytherin, half-way through an appropriate hand shake, tuck your index finger between your palm and their palm in a smooth touchy-feely motion. Watch them jump 4 feet backwards, and retract their hand like being bitten by a snake. If you encounter this, don’t react. Just smile creepily and maybe wink. That will get them going. If you are doing this, be careful. Generally, CEOs, big bosses, and grown adults do not like this one. Best used on friends or long-time colleagues to spice things up.
The Justin Timberlake You-Just-Got-Fan-Girled
This one is super awkward, just a heads-up.
This is when you casually extend your hand for a handshake and get greeted with a surprise hug. Advantageous if she is a beautiful 20-something super-model, but not so much if it is your balding 40-year-old married boss. If you get one of these, I have no advice for you. Run? Hug back? Cry a little? Whatever. Don’t do this please. It is weird for everyone.
The Pull-Out (get your mind out of the gutter!)
This is the classic ‘extend your hand and then pull it back when they go for the hand shake’ and is a major DB hipster move. Popular with 90s school children, the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and jerks with greased hair, I would not recommend being that guy. Not even your friends will find this funny. If you encounter this, just give them a ‘Really? Are you serious right now, bro?’ look, and walk away. Stay classy. Don’t sink to this level. Ever.
The Pro:
Editor’s Note: Do not attempt any of these until you have mastered, and are capable of recognizing in another, all of the aforementioned handshakes. These are not for the feint of heart, and require some serious skillz yo. Fu shizzle. Stay Classy.
The Cliff-Jumper (a.k.a. the Over-the-Top, the 45)
This is a far more subtle version of the classic handshake power-struggle, and though often surprisingly effective and occasionally useful, not recommended for everyday use. This is called the Cliff-Jumper because you go over the top (again, I’m hilarious, I know) and your hand ends up slightly turned in comparison with their hand, with you being in the ‘on top’ power position. It starts like any other handshake, extension, grip, smile – but during the extension-to-grip transition, turn your wrist oh so slightly (hence the 45, if you go 45 degrees) such that the side of your first knuckle is directed towards the ceiling (or just generally upwards). This will cause them to open up their palm in order to shake your hand and prevent you from taking a Crane position (see previous handshakes). The important point when doing this maneuver is to indicate that you do NOT want to do a Crane, and to make it just apparent enough that your hand is off-keel while being subtle enough to not scare them away. This will force them into the aforementioned palm-up position, which is a significant lack of power in terms of body language, and will give you an advantage over the handshake. I would not recommend doing this to anyone in a significantly higher position than you, or anyone you mean to impress, because you will be taking power away from them. The key to impressing with a handshake is to give them the illusion of having power, while keeping it for yourself. Often, after the handshake, the shaker will feel as though they have had power stripped from them subconsciously, but may not recognize why (playing again to your advantage). This can set a foul mood for business deals or negotiations, and therefore is not recommended for any interview situations. If you don’t care what they think, or want to be politely and manipulatively sticking them in their place – such as with in-laws or wanna-be hipster punks – I would recommend this one for optimal subtle bad-assery. The most important point in any handshake war (it is always a war, whether you realize it or not) is to know how to defend against the pros. If someone tries the 45 on you, here’s how you fight back: meet it square on, and using a little extra firmness on contact, straighten their wrist out to even. If this means you don’t grip their entire hand immediately, that is fine – the awkward space will encourage them to straighten back out and connect the handshake. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT overturn their hand – going anywhere past even will cause them to catch on to your cleverness and a classic wrist-strength power-struggle will ensue. As they clearly know their handshakes, and no one likes a fight – especially someone as classy, well-educated, suave and finesse-laden (not to mention immaculately dressed) as yourself – it is best to avoid bubbling their ego up to the top, and go for even keel on this one. If using a little extra firmness to straighten them out, be sure to simmer back down to normal firmness after straightening to avoid an ego over-bubble from your overzealous wannabe handshaker. Then turn and walk away with your head held high, because you have just graduated into handshaking pro-dom. Super-pro tip: Amateurs will try to ‘stack’ (see beginning) this with the Chuck Norris or the Power-Grip, but a real pro will have a more subtle, slow approach. Be careful with the run-up attack, as straightening will require you to be extra subtle, but be SUPER careful with the slow approach, as they clearly know their ins-and-outs of handshakes. Learn from the masters and practice often.
The Beggar (a.k.a. the Sleuth)
This is another sneaky power-grab, and one that I have personally perfected. It gives the perfect illusion of power, but leaves your partner dumbfounded as to why all of their confidence has evaporated after they walked out. Seeing as you likely neglected the warning I gave before the last handshake, and at the beginning of the ‘pros’ section, stop reading this, go back to the beginning of this article, get a friend, and practice all of these at least 5 times. Don’t be too hasty, young padawan, this next one is a make-or-break, ride the edge of the mountain kind of deal. Not for kids. The key to this one is extending your hand first – you MUST make them come to you. That is the way the pros do it, and the only way to not make you look like an idiot. Doing this wrong, or being ‘second in’, for anyone who knows anything about the Subtle Art of Hockey Fights (next GrebelSpeaks), can mean having the exact opposite effect and giving away all of your hard-earned respect, power and confidence. When you extend your hand, you point the outside of your pinky-knuckle downwards and subsequently your palm upwards, giving the illusion of power to your partner. This is the exact same position your partner would ideally have after you suck all their power away using the Cliff-Jumper (last one). The key here, is once they make contact, use a little extra firmness to turn your hand back to even keel. This is CRITICAL. Once you are back at even keel, you have balanced the power, all the while making your partner think they still have it by giving them the initial head start. Imagine driving two cars side-by-side – your student-life finest wagon on wheels, and a new Porsche with a Turbo in it. If I am in the Porsche (ya, German engineering!) and you are in the student-life (a popular feeling for more of us) and I give you a head start, but by the time we get to the lights, are side-by-side again, who is really the better driver? Well obviously I am, but the point is that you should ride the wave. Handshakes are crucial to many things, but what you do AFTER the handshake is just as important. It would take too long to give an elaborate tutorial on that in this article, so I will leave you with this quote: ‘It is easier to ride the wave than it is to catch it’. So ride the wave on this one, and blow them out of the water after the handshake. Start by giving up power, take it back, and then motor right on by totally unfazed. Subtle, classy, effective – just like you, rockstar. Now go get ‘em.
The Iceman
As I just mentioned, the handshake is just one aspect of the handshake. The first use of ‘handshake’ in that sentence meant the literal hand shake, and the second meant the entire encompassing action. This next one is when you already have control, such as when you are the interviewer, and though it doesn’t happen often (student life, once again) it is a nice trick in your back pocket. This one is for the masters who want to practice the whole persona – the whole shebang – the meet, the greet, the wind-up, the clasp, the drop, and the walk away. And it only works if you master all of it. The prep: like any master chef will tell you, prep is worth far more than pick-up in any kitchen, meaning the way you prepare for something is worth way more than the way you perform that actual thing. Training for 5 years for a marathon, and the way you train, is worth much more than how well you sleep the night before the marathon, or how well you actually feel at the beginning. This is where you can set the stage for success before you even walk in the door. Or, in this case, before they even walk in the door. This is one of my favourite things to do to make someone feel inferior when interviewing them or meeting them for the first time. Like I said, this guide is not for the feint of heart, and this one should be used sparingly, but for your sister’s new dumbass boyfriend, or the in-laws you don’t like, this is a winner. First, practice your blank stare. This should be disillusioned, slightly disgusted in tone, and give the ‘I have something better to do’ vibe. If you are capable of controlling your brainwaves, this is the time to do it. Second, a minute or so before they walk in or before you shake hands, stick your shaking hand way up in the air and hold it there. This will drain all the blood out of it and make it cold to the touch. If you get pins and needles or it falls asleep, that is a good sign. Suffer through it. It will be worth it. Alternatively, stick it in a bag of ice for a few seconds, and wipe it dry. You don’t want to be a Moist (gross) or give away what is going down. Again, subtly is key. Next, once you are faced with your foe, remain as cold as possible – both emotionally and physically. Imagine being the Soviet Prime Minister during the height of a snowstorm in the Cold War with a glass of premium Russian Vodka in the other hand (I personally prefer Kettle One as they sponsor a lot of really cool social entrepreneurship and activism initiatives, but we are only pretending here, so it is not important). We’re talking cold. No facial expressions, no sense of urgency, no wind-up, and stiff as a board, shake their hand. Make sure they extend first, and maybe leave them hanging for a split-second too long, but not long enough that they are irritated or pull away. No pumping, no gyrating, just there. No more than 3 seconds and let go. Firmness is key, but absolutely no warmth is given. Do not turn your wrist or give any progressive arm motion at all, and specifically do not allow them to turn yours either way. After the handshake, walk away like you have something better to do, or ask a really difficult interview style question, like ‘Why is there a large gap in your employment history?’ or ‘Why do you think manhole covers are round?’ – or my personal favourite, if conducting an interview, pull out a pen and start marking up their resumé. Occasionally scratch an entire section out, followed by a very apparent subtle head-shake side to side, and then a long ‘Well…’ to yourself, or if you are in Germany, their personal favourite ‘So…’ Then watch as their confidence melts like butter on a hot grill. Devious, mean, cruel, somewhat unusual, but again, subtle, classy, cold and effective.
The Viper (with optional Undercut action)
This is another one for the pros – made popular by college kids going to the cottage for the weekend and meeting up with old friends, I propose to put this in an entirely different context and make it a power-sucking feast of fury for those that can pull it off. A HUGE MONUMENTAL WARNING to those daring enough to try it – if someone catches on, you will be shamed as the biggest plug ever. Best not to do it too often, and not in the presence of people who know you really well, as if it clashes with your natural personality, it can give the whole thing away. In playing with the entire persona aspect of a handshake, this one works well if you can give the ‘I’m just playing around’ vibe. The key to this one is to make them think this is all a joke, when really, you mean business and are sucking all of the life out of them from behind their back. What is really happening is you are throwing them off their game. This works best when you know they don’t roll well with the punches, or you want to see how well they tip-toe around danger. The key to this one is a change in run-up speed. Starting slow and further back usually gives the best success rate, as I have found in my experiences, and this will work best when both people are standing, as it is difficult and awkward when sitting. The best motion I have found is the broken chicken wing, where you extend your elbow backwards at roughly a 45 degree angle with your hand just behind your waist and your palm open pointed at your dominant (right for right handers) butt cheek. Then, using either a Chuck Norris sweep-around, or a direct motion with a shoulder lean-in, start slowly, and then attack your partners hand. Change in speed is key. Don’t try to take their arm off, or knock them off their feet, but definitely surprise them. It should have an ‘Oh, I should have seen that coming’ kind of feel to your partner. Then, grip tightly and firmly and return to a normal, proper hand-shaking stance in one fluid motion. You may add a slightly diminishing rocking-the-baby-to-sleep kind of pump, but keep it subtle. Focus on the handshake and keeping the motion going before worrying about stopping, but chances are when you move to a stop you will do this anyways. Stay in character. The key to this one is not doing this all at once. This is a progressive motion, like putting, hitting a line drive, or trying to survive through one of Alina’s power yoga classes (think you’re tough? Nah brah, she’s tough, and she’ll make you cry like a little girl if she wants to. Don’t believe me? Try her.) and attempting to do it all at once will make you look like a drunk octopus. Actually. So in order, here is what I recommend: Bring your arm back into the chicken wing position while leaning forward and taking a small step with your opposite foot (left if you are right handed or vice-versa). Ideally, this step should be outwards and towards your partner’s weak foot (underneath their receiving hand), and should get you just inside their comfort bubble – only a few inches though. Tilt your shoulders slightly down and towards your outstretched foot. Start your run-up slowly, then burst out of the gate and hit their hand like you mean business but make sure you have a big smile on your face so it doesn’t feel aggressive or intimidating. As you are just about to hit their hand, for a little extra power, put your shoulders back into position and take that little half-step distance back with your dominant foot (right foot on your right side). You should have moved up just a half-step which will add to the mix of awesomeness that is the Viper. Finally proceed back to the neutral point between you two with a slight rocking motion. Imagine you are trying to dissuade the energy that comes with exploding into their arm, and do what feels natural. Oh yeah, just like that. Yup, right there. Mmmmm. Now you got it. The single most important thing about mastering this effectively, once you have the motions down, is smiling the whole time, or doing something like an ‘Oh! Hahaha’ once you hit them – imagine your annoying Uncle Steve (everyone has an annoying Uncle Steve) and the way he makes things creepy. Do one of those. This will work very well on your friends, and make you seem ridiculous – like I said, cottage trip, weekends, college – but if you know you are in a power position anyways, rock this one as far as you can make it go. It will definitely throw your partner off their game, and if done correctly, can be an instant power grab. Subtle? Meh, not really, but it is effective. Maybe leave your ‘suave’ underpants at home if you are going to give this one a try. Remember not to take their hand off.
Bonus points: when you hit their hand, do so on an under-slicing angle, just like in The Beggar, to give them a sense of half-power, which will no doubt confuse them further. Just be sure to put everything back to neutral afterwards.
The Grandmaster
This is the ultimate handshake. Legend has it, that the second Dalai Lama once trained a side-kick in the deep mountains in the Himalayas. However, this wise young protégé was not content living in the shadow of such a figure, and once mastering the art of meditation, tea ceremony and wisdom of the seven scrolls, set his sights on the physical nature of Tai Chi connection. He studied for 12 years in the remote island of Burma, and then swam for 3 weeks across the Indian Ocean, where he met a wise mystic who taught him an African blood ceremony. With his new-found powers, he single-handedly took over Persia in one night (they were all sleep) but decided it wasn’t his style, so he gave it back roughly 1 hour later. No records of this take-over were ever made. He finally settled down in a small German village, where he opened a school for the physical arts. After 3 months of dedicated training, I have unlocked the subtle mastery of handshaking and will share with you the single most important lesson: finesse.
Chef Thomas Keller of Per Se in New York City – consistently rated one of the top 10 restaurants in the world, and who last year won the Lifetime Achievement Award from the World’s 50 Best Restaurants online ranking – kept a sign above the exit to the kitchen which reads as follows:
Finesse – noun; Refinement and delicacy of performance, execution and artisanship.
I encourage you to take that to heart.
The truth is, there is no secret to the perfect handshake. I know, you’re disappointed I wouldn’t share what the Wise Monk from Tibet (his name was Gi Rab Mai Hend)’s School of Physical Arts has taught me (I will neither confirm nor deny that this is a real place), but I encourage you to try to figure it out for yourself.
If you watch the greats – Barack Obama, the Dalai Lama, Regis, Martha Steward, Donald Trump – they all have their own styles, techniques and things they excel at. What they all have in common, is that they are REALLY REALLY good at those things. They have finesse.
When shaking someone’s hand, it is not important to undercut them, to knock them off their feet, or to even make sure that you match their grip – what is important is you stay true to yourself.
The Grandmaster Handshake is simply that – showing them your inner dragon. You have 3 to 4 seconds to make an impression, and often the first impression is the most important, and you can rehearse lines, practice answers, volunteer, beef up your resumé or anything else you can think of, but if I am interviewing you, that 3 to 4 seconds tells me volumes about who you are, and what you can do for me.
Whatever your style is – Chuck Norris, Power-Grip, Crane, Iceman, Slow and Steady – is not so important as that it reflects who you are before and after. I can guarantee that in a handshake war, I will beat you – not because I am stronger, smarter, or more experienced, but because I understand who I am, and what I have to offer.
In 4 seconds, I can give anyone a strong sense of confidence, passion, dedication, sophistication and intelligence – all from a handshake. That, my friends, is finesse.
So the secret to a good handshake comes from the Oracle at Delphi, and was written on the entrance about 3000 years ago: Know Thyself.
And that is it.
Bonus: Auxiliary Factors.
Want a little more help with the winning-the-job-over-that-guy handshake? Here’s a pro tip right from Germany: moisturizer.
I shook hands with a very large Nigerian bouncer once, and walked away with one thought in my mind: Wow. His hands are really soft. It is an underrated secret weapon that will take you much further than you think. Moisturize every day and watch the job offers roll in.
Also, ladies, nothing is more surprising from a tiny girl than a good power handshake. Nothing is more appealing than a confident handshake. Nothing is more revolting than a bad one (see Dead Fish or Crane), and guys (or girls, I don’t judge) will go gaga over a gal with a great handshake. It is the reason the only person on the planet I really fear is Hilary Clinton, why Martha Stewart is a millionaire, and why every lady in my office, especially in sales, is feared amongst our competitors. Handshakes. Mission Critical.
Seriously, girls, practice it and reap the benefits.
And everyone, smile for crying out loud. Any time you are giving a handshake, give a smile as well. It goes a long way.