Secret Cupid, Cryptography and Radical Honesty
-Robert Gooding-Townsend
We begin as in many cryptographic problems: Alice wishes to send a message to Bob. Only in this case, the message is not a number, or even a string that can be turned into a number by your trusty ASCII encoding (or whatever kids are using these days). It is her love, pure and simple. Okay, I’ll try that sentence again: it is her love, warped and twisted into bizarre public displays of creepy extravagance by the phenomenon known as Secret Cupid. No, not even that: she doesn’t love him. Well, I mean, he has really nice earlobes, but that’s the extent of her feelings for him. Gasp! This one time, the Cupidly Commanders erred, and did not assign to Bob a girl who has secretly had a crush on him for six months and was too shy to do anything about it until this special occasions arrived. (I know, the Cupidly Commanders are usually remarkably good at this. *Cough cough* You know who you are. Or at least all your friends do.)
So Alice goes about her duties, sending messages of chocolate, fawning admiration, sweet songs, flowers, and chocolate. However, she is bad at cryptography, and does not use an established cryptographic protocol. She and Bob don’t even have private keys. (They may have private…other things. Possibly involving the Prayer Room.) Instead, she just walks into Bob’s room while her spies/friends report he is elsewhere (like snack night…really just a diversion set up for this very purpose, cleverly set up at the dawn of time so people don’t ever suspect that’s why it exists) and deposits her messages.
Unfortunately, Alice’s lack of stealth allows Eve, the eavesdropper, to catch her in the act. Eve is especially intent on interrupting secret communications of all kinds, because she is a believer in Radical Honesty. For those of you who don’t know, Radical Honesty asserts that lying is the primary source of modern human stress and that practitioners will become happier by being more honest, even about painful or taboo subjects. The Radical Honesty technique includes having practitioners state their feelings bluntly, directly and in ways typically considered impolite[1]. Furthermore, Eve does not just believe in Radical Honesty for herself, but as a way of life for everybody – she’s an Evangelical Radical Honest. As you can imagine, this creates some conflicts with the spirit of Secret Cupid – hence her self-assigned role of interrupting secret communications. There is the additional complication that Eve is totally, utterly, desperately in love with Bob.
So after Alice walks out of Bob’s room, having left her innocuous chocolates with their cute little note, Eve accosts her.
“I SAW YOU PUT THOSE CHOCOLATES IN BOB’S ROOM,” Eve says bluntly. “YOU MUST BE HIS SECRET CUPID. THE FACT THAT YOU SNEAK AROUND AND DO THIS WHEN HE DOESN’T KNOW YOU’RE THERE IS EVIDENCE OF YOUR LOW MORAL CHARACTER,” she adds bluntly.
“Umm…yes,” stammers Alice. “I’m his secret cupid. It’s what I’m supposed to do. Do you think he’ll like it?”
“WHETHER BOB LIKES IT OR NOT IS IMMATERIAL, FOR YOU ARE PROPOGATING A LIE. AND YOU DON’T EVEN LOVE HIM. NOT LIKE I DO,” Eve says bluntly.
“Really? That’s so cute,” says Alice. “Do you want to help me out with his Secret Cupid stuff then?”
“ABSOLUTELY NOT. THAT IS SO INDIRECT AND DUPLICITOUS. NO, I PLAN TO TELL HIM FACE-TO-FACE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE,” Eve says bluntly.
By this time, their confrontation has caused quite a commotion, and snack night is ending. In fact, Bob himself is striding down the hallway. As he approaches, Eve accosts him.
“I HEREBY DECLARE MY UNDYING LOVE FOR YOU, BOB. I WOULD LIKE TO ADD THAT THIS IS NOT A JOKE, NOR IS IT PART OF SECRET CUPID IN ANYWAY, BUT IT REPRESENTS MY OWN HEARTFELT FEELINGS. YOU KNOW I’M BEING TRUTHFUL. I WOULD LIKE TO ADD THAT ALICE HERE WAS YOUR SECRET CUPID AND LEFT ALL THESE CHOCOLATES FOR YOU, BUT SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU AS I DO,” Eve says bluntly.
Alice awkwardly shuffles her feet and looks at the ground, blushing. Bob looks confused, and says, “Um, thanks, I guess.” Then his curiosity forms itself into a question: “But…if I may ask, what is it that you like about me?”
“UM…ER…UM,” Eve stammers bluntly. “I ACTUALLY FIND NOTHING ABOUT YOU ATTRACTIVE. I THINK I WAS JUST DRAWN TO YOU FOR PLOT REASONS,” she says bluntly. Then, having nothing else to do, she leaves.
Meanwhile, Alice and Bob are both laughing so hard they collapse in a heap on the floor. The same heap. This quickly leads to cuddling, with Alice admiring Bob’s wonderful earlobes. They stay there until morning, thereby earning the bitterly-contested title of Grebel’s Most Adorable Couple. It turns out the Cupidly Commanders did know what they were doing after all.
Alice and Bob are happy together. Eve is SURPRISED AT MYSELF FOR NOT KNOWING THE TRUE SOURCE OF MY FEELINGS. I THOUGHT RADICAL HONESTY WAS SUPPOSED TO HELP WITH THAT.
[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radical_Honesty
So Alice goes about her duties, sending messages of chocolate, fawning admiration, sweet songs, flowers, and chocolate. However, she is bad at cryptography, and does not use an established cryptographic protocol. She and Bob don’t even have private keys. (They may have private…other things. Possibly involving the Prayer Room.) Instead, she just walks into Bob’s room while her spies/friends report he is elsewhere (like snack night…really just a diversion set up for this very purpose, cleverly set up at the dawn of time so people don’t ever suspect that’s why it exists) and deposits her messages.
Unfortunately, Alice’s lack of stealth allows Eve, the eavesdropper, to catch her in the act. Eve is especially intent on interrupting secret communications of all kinds, because she is a believer in Radical Honesty. For those of you who don’t know, Radical Honesty asserts that lying is the primary source of modern human stress and that practitioners will become happier by being more honest, even about painful or taboo subjects. The Radical Honesty technique includes having practitioners state their feelings bluntly, directly and in ways typically considered impolite[1]. Furthermore, Eve does not just believe in Radical Honesty for herself, but as a way of life for everybody – she’s an Evangelical Radical Honest. As you can imagine, this creates some conflicts with the spirit of Secret Cupid – hence her self-assigned role of interrupting secret communications. There is the additional complication that Eve is totally, utterly, desperately in love with Bob.
So after Alice walks out of Bob’s room, having left her innocuous chocolates with their cute little note, Eve accosts her.
“I SAW YOU PUT THOSE CHOCOLATES IN BOB’S ROOM,” Eve says bluntly. “YOU MUST BE HIS SECRET CUPID. THE FACT THAT YOU SNEAK AROUND AND DO THIS WHEN HE DOESN’T KNOW YOU’RE THERE IS EVIDENCE OF YOUR LOW MORAL CHARACTER,” she adds bluntly.
“Umm…yes,” stammers Alice. “I’m his secret cupid. It’s what I’m supposed to do. Do you think he’ll like it?”
“WHETHER BOB LIKES IT OR NOT IS IMMATERIAL, FOR YOU ARE PROPOGATING A LIE. AND YOU DON’T EVEN LOVE HIM. NOT LIKE I DO,” Eve says bluntly.
“Really? That’s so cute,” says Alice. “Do you want to help me out with his Secret Cupid stuff then?”
“ABSOLUTELY NOT. THAT IS SO INDIRECT AND DUPLICITOUS. NO, I PLAN TO TELL HIM FACE-TO-FACE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE,” Eve says bluntly.
By this time, their confrontation has caused quite a commotion, and snack night is ending. In fact, Bob himself is striding down the hallway. As he approaches, Eve accosts him.
“I HEREBY DECLARE MY UNDYING LOVE FOR YOU, BOB. I WOULD LIKE TO ADD THAT THIS IS NOT A JOKE, NOR IS IT PART OF SECRET CUPID IN ANYWAY, BUT IT REPRESENTS MY OWN HEARTFELT FEELINGS. YOU KNOW I’M BEING TRUTHFUL. I WOULD LIKE TO ADD THAT ALICE HERE WAS YOUR SECRET CUPID AND LEFT ALL THESE CHOCOLATES FOR YOU, BUT SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU AS I DO,” Eve says bluntly.
Alice awkwardly shuffles her feet and looks at the ground, blushing. Bob looks confused, and says, “Um, thanks, I guess.” Then his curiosity forms itself into a question: “But…if I may ask, what is it that you like about me?”
“UM…ER…UM,” Eve stammers bluntly. “I ACTUALLY FIND NOTHING ABOUT YOU ATTRACTIVE. I THINK I WAS JUST DRAWN TO YOU FOR PLOT REASONS,” she says bluntly. Then, having nothing else to do, she leaves.
Meanwhile, Alice and Bob are both laughing so hard they collapse in a heap on the floor. The same heap. This quickly leads to cuddling, with Alice admiring Bob’s wonderful earlobes. They stay there until morning, thereby earning the bitterly-contested title of Grebel’s Most Adorable Couple. It turns out the Cupidly Commanders did know what they were doing after all.
Alice and Bob are happy together. Eve is SURPRISED AT MYSELF FOR NOT KNOWING THE TRUE SOURCE OF MY FEELINGS. I THOUGHT RADICAL HONESTY WAS SUPPOSED TO HELP WITH THAT.
[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radical_Honesty