Dear Abby:
There is this really attractive girl in the long end who's always sweet, but extremely shy. She's friendzoned me, but I think she did it unintentionally. How do I get past the friendship barrier, And win her heart? -Friends forever Dear Friends Forever: In previous issues, I maintained that there is no way for a man to get out of the friendzone. That is my professional opinion, but personally, I know better. I must say that this question requires a HUGE answer, one that cannot be summarized in a Dear Abby Response. Perhaps I can be persuaded to write an article for the next issue, and not just a column (I'm easily persuaded by enough emails... [email protected]) I will say that getting out of the friendzone is, while not impossible, VERY difficult. It's far easier to stay out than get out. Kind of like quicksand. I won't lie to you, it WILL be easier to move on and avoid the friendzone with someone else. Stay out of the friendzone by maintaining a bolstering confidence, with a mix of positive and negative body-language, and not being a total suck-up. If she presents you with a choice, make a choice - DON'T say, "You decide." Make your intentions clear from the beginning! After 5 months of hanging out in each others rooms with you NOT making a move, any move-attempt will be unexpected and unwanted. All that being said, however, what's the worst that can happen if you simply say, "Hey, let's get coffee. When are you free this week?" (Maintain direct eye-contact while asking, and notice that it was less of a question and more of a statement/command). The world is yours... but only if you claim it. |
Dear Abby:
How do I get a very popular Grebelite to stop calling me "Asian" all the time? I feel like a minority amongst all the Mennonites. Sometimes I just want to be white. -Asian Dear Asian: The cruelty of the white man is news to no one. Since their existence, there has been suffering. Oppression lurks at every corner, and (historically speaking,) those who speak out, are silenced. But it doesn't have to BE this way! The white man doesn't realize that nicknames can sometimes "nick". They chip away yourself esteem like the increased greenhouse gases work away at the polar icecaps. Little do they know that once the icecaps are gone... I'll spare you the technical details, but "An Inconvenient Truth" might be able to persuade the skeptics. Asian, starting today, I want you to embrace that name. Make it yours. Look yourself in the eyes at the mirror every morning, and say to yourself (out loud), "Asian, you are Asian, and you're proud to be from Asia." If you feel so inclined, finish it up with saying "And to top it off, you are one burning hunk of human." Give yourself a couple of days with this ritual, and you'll be good to go. AZN PRIDE! |
Dear Abby:
So for the last day of secret cupid, I have no clue what I should do. I'm a nice guy but I heard she likes them creepy. Help, please? Dear Not-yet Creepy Messenger: Fortunately, during the Grebel Val-o-week, nearly every social convention that keeps any sort of law and order in our society goes out the window, and romance is one giant, all-out, inappropriate free-for-all! She likes them creepy? Oh, we can work with creepy. As a nice guy, ask yourself the following when considering something to do:"Would I normally do this?" If the answer is "Yes", "Possibly", "If I worked up the courage", or "Only if I was paid for it", then that option is OUT. Don't even go there. You're looking for something that makes you scream, "Not in a million years", or "Not for a million dollars". -Dumping $69 worth of cinnamon hearts in her bed with a note that says, "I'll be watching you tonight"? -Sounds good. -Clipping her toe-nails while she's sleeping and saving them for 739 days down the road? -Better. -Taking all of her used underwear, fashioning them into a make-shift quilt, and keeping yourself warm at night -it's creepy, obscene, and hopelessly romantic. Challenge accepted? GOOD LUCK IN YOUR ENDEAVORS! |
Who IS Abby?!? - Update
Since the last issue, there have been Zero (0) emails sent asking me who I am. I see how it is. It may help you to know that my identity is still ANONYMOUS!! That's right... no one has guessed properly yet. This issue's clue:
This winter term is my 4th term as Abby (Fall 2011, Winter 2012, Fall 2012, Winter 2013). For two of these four terms, I was working on co-op!
Email me at [email protected] with who you think Abby is, and with your line of reasoning. If you're the first person to guess correctly, YOU'LL RECEIVE A SPECIAL PRIZE!!!
This winter term is my 4th term as Abby (Fall 2011, Winter 2012, Fall 2012, Winter 2013). For two of these four terms, I was working on co-op!
Email me at [email protected] with who you think Abby is, and with your line of reasoning. If you're the first person to guess correctly, YOU'LL RECEIVE A SPECIAL PRIZE!!!