An Intrepid Explorer's Guide to Hall-Wandering at Grebel
By: Remi Marchand
In the far reaches of campus lie uncharted territories of space. Disregarded as crazed, the primitive life forms inhabiting the area undergo the most unusual daily rituals. To the amazement of the local municipal council of galactic geese, whose role it is to meticulously observe and document strange behaviours exhibited on Earth®, these so-called "humans" achieve incomprehensibly high levels of satisfaction from underdeveloped forms of communication. Of particular interest to the geese, due to its completely unoriginal use of motility, is the practice of aimlessly wandering through indoor passageways while repeated flashing one's mouth-flesh at fellow human beings. Such behaviour, observed at the College of Conrad Grebel, is a daily occurrence that is as pointless as a peacock displaying its ridiculous plumage at night.
Few other things in the universe have as confusing a purpose as "hall-wandering". Recaffeinated decafffeinated coffee, double-sided non-stick sticky tape, and top-a-potato with a potato stuffed potato all have a clear purpose in life. Hall-wandering does not. It is for this exact reason that the geese keenly chronicle this daily ceremony practiced by many Grebel residents. Their findings, consolidated into 7 and 2/9th postulates, describe how one may lead a blunderbuss life of confusion; though who would desire such a fate is beyond anyone's comprehension.
"But we haven't even spoken yet!?"
"......."
(At which point the Abballenn has moved on to end conversations with 7 others)
End a conversation as you would a midterm: with haste and indifference.
2/9. Make your way back to your home planet, navigating the treacherous halls linearly and avoiding the squeaky clean female specimens. Do not talk to anyone or the Galaxy will explode. We don't know why. It just will. 2/9ths of the way back to your room, you will disobey this imperative command. It's a don, interrupting the most crucial step of your wandering procedure by yelling something about a "fire alarm". The audacity. You almost successfully hall-wandered Grebel. Better luck next time.
Sincerely,
The Geese
Few other things in the universe have as confusing a purpose as "hall-wandering". Recaffeinated decafffeinated coffee, double-sided non-stick sticky tape, and top-a-potato with a potato stuffed potato all have a clear purpose in life. Hall-wandering does not. It is for this exact reason that the geese keenly chronicle this daily ceremony practiced by many Grebel residents. Their findings, consolidated into 7 and 2/9th postulates, describe how one may lead a blunderbuss life of confusion; though who would desire such a fate is beyond anyone's comprehension.
- Working up the courage to set out on an intergalactic voyage requires the gathering of additional energy. Warp to the nearest Vorb orbiting a nebulous star, extract the delocalized polymer from under its fingernail and enjoy your newfound energy. Alternatively, gather the two nearest life forms and do a "pump-up" cheer. Holding hands in a circle, chant "Who's gonna wander? We're gonna wander! Who's gonna wander? WE'RE GONNA WANDER!!" over and over again until your nearby orbiting don shuts your little party down. You are now ready to wander.
- Leader of the pack: Until you have obtained your Expert Worker Of Knowledge certificate (EWOK for short), you might find travelling solo a little intimidating. Take a Wookie with you! Or a couple friends will do just fine. Elect a leader in your group. They are now responsible for ice-breakers and dealing with any Hothstiles you may encounter. A helpful tip from the Gungan next door: If the third floor is too smelly, use the fourth.
- The task of selecting a victim whose living quarters to invade can be tricky. When Vogons deal with such issues, they tend to be indiscriminate; frying the brains of your foes results in submission precisely 99.234% + 0.877% of the time. Since you do not have such a useful ability, you must resort to a significantly less elegant solution. Choose a linear path and proudly parade along until you encounter a life-form or a solid object. After having significantly damaged your internal organs, you will eventually realize that you have not encountered a life-form. Choose a different path and attempt again. Enjoy until you bash your now mostly-liquidized form into a fellow human. You have chosen your victim.
- Flapping your mouth-parts with conviction is important to make your newfound friend feel intimidated, yet oddly enthralled with your acknowledgement of their illustrious presence. Ramble at great length about your day, using as few polysyllabic characters as possible. A quick way of funny speech draws love from your friends. Whereas opulent sinusoidal intelectuallastic fragments conversely inversely adversely amalgamate, insidious gargantuism procedurally anti-reclamates socialistic extra-cellular-pathogenesis. Do not forget to remember without recollection that your comrades do not possess the intellectual quality of higher organisms such as we, the geese. As such, speak to them in small words and you will do well... perhaps.
- Situation dealing unexpectedly results? Precisely. Deal with unexpected situations as you would a wild toad. Eat them. The result will be an outcome you can count on.
- Among the most aggressive beings you might encounter in Grebel's halls are the squeaky clean female specimens. Their soaked beastly manes, lack of facial decoration, and rush to get to the end of the world on time makes them extremely reactive to water. And, seeing as you are 61.4% water, colliding with them in the hall would result in a warp gate the size of a penny. Of course, if the warp gate were to engulf a penny, the world wouldn't care. But that's beside the point. Avoid the squeaky clean females for two hours or until their manes are dry. Your index finger will personally thank you for this later, pointing out that if it had been lost in a warp gate you could no longer point out the obvious.
- Ending a conversation is a highly valued skill among citizens of the universe. The Abballenn people of Omega Centauri hold this craft to the highest regard, utilizing it in every aspect of daily life. One of the more expressive conversations you might have with an Abballenn would go as follows:
"But we haven't even spoken yet!?"
"......."
(At which point the Abballenn has moved on to end conversations with 7 others)
End a conversation as you would a midterm: with haste and indifference.
2/9. Make your way back to your home planet, navigating the treacherous halls linearly and avoiding the squeaky clean female specimens. Do not talk to anyone or the Galaxy will explode. We don't know why. It just will. 2/9ths of the way back to your room, you will disobey this imperative command. It's a don, interrupting the most crucial step of your wandering procedure by yelling something about a "fire alarm". The audacity. You almost successfully hall-wandered Grebel. Better luck next time.
Sincerely,
The Geese